I was having lunch the other day with an expectant first time father, and we were talking about fatherhood, and I was sharing my own experiences of being a dad with him. The conversation with him sparked a number of things off in my head, but most notably how the realities of being a parent are quite different to what you expect beforehand, and how if I could capture some of those thoughts now, I might actually have something I can read to refresh my memory when I potentially become a granddad one day! What better thing could I offer my own children when they become parents than a grandfather who can actually remember what it’s like to be a first time parent and sympathise and support accordingly! If you’re reading this and are a parent, you’ll know exactly what I mean!

I’ll probably do a series of these, and there won’t be any specific order or structure to these blogs, just whatever is on my mind. So first point to note is:

1.       You very quickly forget what it’s like to have a new born baby in the house

This is probably as good a place as any to start…what struck me when my first child was born, was how my parents and my in-laws seemed to have forgotten what it was like to be parents themselves. I mean, what it was like to have a new born baby. They didn’t seem particularly confident with the baby, they certainly didn’t seem to have any “instinct” of why a baby would  be crying for example. I mean, come on, they’ve been parents before, they can’t possibly have forgotten what it’s like???

Actually, they can. And I know this because my eldest is 5 now, and I’m struggling to remember what it was like to have a new born in the house, what it felt like putting a baby grow on Beatrice for the first time, how I put her into her car seat for the first time… Having a baby is the single biggest thing that can happen to anyone. I know that seems like stating the bloody obvious, but it’s only when you’ve had a baby that you quite realise the enormity of it all.  It’s like a nuclear bomb going off in your house! Nothing will ever be the same again!!!

As a first time parent, you are shocked that your own parents just don’t understand this or remember this. “How can you not remember???” I used to think. But I think parents are wrong to assume that will be the case. As I’ve said, after 4 years (Arianna my youngest is almost 4), I’m struggling to remember. So after 30 years, of course grandparents aren’t going to remember! So on reflection, I definitely expected too much from my parents and in-laws.

2.       Sleep deprivation – how do you cope??

Amazing well actually. You only actually realise how well you coped once you’re out of that sleep deprived phase, you have some normality back in your sleep patterns, and one of your kids has a bad night, and you are a complete zombie the next day. I was quite lucky with both my girls – it took them about 6 months or so to sleep through the night, and I (and of course my wife in particular) actually managed ok. Yes, we were tired the WHOLE time, but somehow you coped. That’s the amazing thing about human beings, never underestimate your ability to adapt to the circumstances you find yourself in.  As I say, it doesn’t work so well once you’re sleeping “normally” again – it makes you think “how in God’s name did I manage???” but you did.

3.       What on earth did I do with all the spare time??

As a parent, the time not spent working is spent with our children. You snatch and treasure moments for yourself and your other half here and there. But the thing I can’t fathom is just what did we use to do before we had children?? I mean all that time that we spend with our children (e.g. taking them to ballet, going to the park, taking to an indoor play area, making stuff together…) would have been spent doing something before they were born. But what????

4.       My memories of my life before children feel like someone else’s memories

This is sort of linked to the above point – but when I cast my mind back to life before kids, it really does feel like someone else’s memories. It was me, but not quite the same really. 

5.       I’m so sorry mum and dad

Now I love being a father.  I adore my children, and I love every minute I spend with them. They are truly little treasures and there is nothing like it. The love I feel for my children dwarfs everything else. And this makes me feel really bad! I can remember holding Beatrice and just feeling this love come over me, and I looked over at my parents who were sat there and thought: “Oh my God, this is how you feel about me???? You poor things, I’m so sorry!” All those years of misbehaving, giving my parents grief, winding them up, all came back to me, but this time from their perspective, and I truly felt bad for them. Clearly, I’ll have all that to come!

6.       Does becoming a grandparent remove your common sense?

Seriously. Does it? Has anyone done any studies on grandparents to see if any changes take place in the brain a result of becoming a grandparent? Everyone expects their grandparents to be a much softer touch than their parents. After all, they don’t shoulder the same responsibility. But why does common sense go out the window?? (Let me be clear here – I am not writing this to criticise my parents or my-laws – they are fantastic grandparents and very supportive. This is very much a note to future self to see if the same thing happens to me).

All parents reading this will know exactly what I mean. On what planet does it make sense to feed your grandchild sweets and ice creams for breakfast?? When the grandparent is asked about this, their response is typically “I didn’t want to make them cry!” Oh well, that’s ok then! No common sense.

But my personal favourite has to be the grandparents who allowed their grandchildren, once they have been bathed and in their pyjamas, to do and play in the sand pit in the garden once the children’s parents had gone out for the evening. Why? So that they didn’t cry….

 More next time…